Have you noticed how often people walk through life constantly asking “Am I allowed?”
“Am I allowed to sit here?”
“Am I allowed to stand here?”
“Am I allowed to be in this room?”
“Am I allowed to speak up in this meeting?”
“Am I allowed to ask for a raise?”
“Am I allowed to say NO to this request?”
These seemingly innocent questions are actually symptoms of a much deeper issue that’s holding you back in ways you probably don’t even recognize.
Let’s start by understanding what permission-seeking actually is.
Permission-seeking is the habitual pattern of looking for external authorization before taking action.
It’s the need to check if something is approved by others before you feel comfortable doing it.
And while there are certainly contexts where permission is appropriate – like entering private property – most permission-seeking behavior has nothing to do with legitimate boundaries and everything to do with psychological dependency.
The truth is that permission-seeking behavior doesn’t come from nowhere. It has deep psychological roots, often stemming from our childhood experiences.
If you grew up in an environment where your autonomy was limited, where you had to ask permission for every little thing, or where making independent decisions was punished, you likely internalized the belief that acting without explicit authorization is somehow dangerous or wrong.
The problem is that this permission-seeking pattern doesn’t just disappear when you grow up. You unconsciously carry them into adulthood, where they no longer serve you.
In fact, they actively work against you.
Here’s where things get really interesting.
Permission-seeking isn’t just a personal quirk – it’s a social control mechanism.
Society actually conditions people to seek permission through unspoken conventions and implicit rules. There are powerful social incentives that reinforce permission-seeking behavior and punish those who act autonomously.
Think about the last time you were in a room with a table of food, but no one had explicitly said, “Please help yourself.”
How long did you wait? Did you look around to see what others were doing?
Did you feel that slight tension, wondering if it would be appropriate to take some food?
That’s permission-seeking behavior.
Nothing was physically stopping you, but those invisible social constraints felt just as real as a locked door.
But here’s the thing: the most insidious part of permission-seeking behavior is that it’s self-perpetuating.
Every time you defer to external authorization instead of trusting your own judgment, you weaken your confidence in your ability to make decisions.
It’s like a muscle that atrophies from disuse.
The less you practice autonomous decision-making, the less capable of it you feel, which reinforces the perceived need for external permission.
And let me tell you, my friends, the cost of this pattern is enormous.
Excessive permission-seeking severely constrains your personal growth and achievement. It keeps you playing small, confined within the narrow boundaries of what others explicitly authorize. I believe everyone is talented but this is one of the reason why so many talented people never reach their potential.
They’re waiting for someone to give them permission to be great, to take risks, to stand out.
Think about how many opportunities you’ve missed because you were waiting for someone to tell you it was okay to pursue them.
How many ideas have you left unexplored? How many conversations have you avoided?
How many chances to stand up for yourself or others have slipped by because you were not sure if you were “allowed” to speak up?
The problem is not about seeking permission when it’s genuinely required.
The problem is the habitual pattern of seeking permission for things that should be within your autonomous domain of decision-making.
So how do we break free from this pattern?
Let me offer a few practical strategies that have helped me.
First
You need to recognize that permission-seeking is not a fixed part of your personality.
It’s a habit, and like any habit, it can be changed with conscious effort and practice.
Start by simply noticing when you’re seeking permission unnecessarily.
Bring awareness to the pattern. Ask yourself: “Do I really need authorization for this, or am I just looking for validation?”
Second
Begin to differentiate between seeking advice and seeking permission.
They might seem similar, but there’s a crucial difference. When you seek advice, you’re gathering information to make your own decision.
When you seek permission, you’re abdicating your decision-making authority to someone else. Start practicing the “seeking advice” while consciously avoiding the “seeking permission.”
Third
You need to become comfortable with disappointing people.
A lot of permission-seeking behavior is driven by the fear that autonomous action might lead to disapproval. And you know what? Sometimes it will.
Not everyone is going to like or approve of your choices. And that’s okay.
Learning to tolerate that discomfort is essential for developing true autonomy.
Let me tell you a personal story. Years ago, I was considering starting this channel. I had ideas I wanted to share, perspectives I thought might help others. But I kept looking for validation, asking friends if they thought it was a good idea, wondering if I had the “right” to speak on these topics.
I was seeking permission when what I really needed was to trust my own judgment.
No one was going to give me explicit authorization to start this channel. There was no committee that could stamp my ideas as worthy. I had to give myself permission.
And that’s exactly what happened. I realized that I was waiting for an external green light that was never going to come, and I decided to authorize myself.
What I’ve discovered is that granting yourself permission is actually a form of personal power.
It’s claiming the authority to determine your own course rather than waiting for someone else to validate it.
Now, breaking free from permission-seeking isn’t an overnight process. You’ll need to build the strength to act autonomously in increasingly significant contexts.
Start small with low-stakes situations.
Maybe it’s speaking up in a meeting when you have an idea, or setting a boundary with a friend, or pursuing an interest without seeking validation first.
Every time you act without unnecessary permission-seeking, you’re rewiring those neural pathways, creating new patterns of autonomous behavior.
What you’ll find is that as you break free from excessive permission-seeking, your life expands in ways you couldn’t have anticipated.
Opportunities that were invisible before suddenly become apparent.
Relationships become more authentic as you stop changing yourself to fit others’ expectations. And most importantly, you develop a profound sense of trust in your own judgment.
This doesn’t mean you’ll never seek input from others or that you’ll ignore legitimate boundaries. It means you’ll approach life from a place of self-authorization rather than dependency on external validation.
You’ll be able to discern when permission is genuinely required versus when it’s just a psychological crutch.
The reality is that most of the permissions you’re seeking were never really others’ to give.
They’ve always been yours.
The thing is, that authority you keep consulting doesn’t actually exist outside of you, it’s just your mind replaying old rules and societal expectations you’ve internalized over time.
